baket ganun..when terrific things happen it follows a horrific drama which leads to deep scars in our hearts..minsan i just wanna give up on things kc it makes me real weak..BIG TIME..
after 17 years that he's been away,it's kind of hard to live with a dad i barely know..yeah i know..i always say this stuff over and over..it just sucks that i'm the one who's absorbing everything he says..all his pain, sacrifices and even hate..part of it are his regrets in his past and merely about our family..a very bitter past that even i, myself don't want to talk about..and yes it all happened right? so why bring it in the present? well,that's my dad..everytime we're in the car he always tell stuffs like,..my sisters who married at an early age, my mom who passed away when i was only 7 and the list goes on..it's alright to let go of that but..if it's everyday,it's just so annoying and 'nakakabingi'!! and yes, there's where i stand..it's like listening to a song that plays like forever before it would end..it's so hard because i'm the only one who's there who could lend ears and listen to his sorrows..i understand his sacrifices..but ako na lng ba lage and iintindi??
parang hindi nya ako maintindihan..pano nman ako? he always doesn't understand me..being a young adult, i now have my own decisions and being independent is coming my way..independent not in a way that i'll go and live my own life! in a sense of like getting jobs for summer or going at a friends house..those simple things i thirst for..well,this semester, i spent my all my christmas money for books that i need..i trashed almost $300 just to buy it and show him that i would like to help him for the school expenses..the awful day came, and i told him that and he said i should've asked him for the money..in short he doesn't like it..he pretends to be a hero and doing all the things all by himself..so yes,another scar for my heart..maybe it's wrong for him, but i just wanna 'help'..*sigh*
another thing was yesterday..people like me in the morning is definitely cranky and even small things that wake me up makes me mad..imagine, that was maybe 6 or 6:30 am and he was like shouting and gagging that he's gonna go jogging and if i wanted to come..DANG! who wants to wake up that early??? plus he was, like looking at my face to annoy me and then laugh hard..what the heck is that? so what i did was cover my face with a pillow and a blanket then face the other side with an angry manner..then he got mad followed by words like "napapagaya ka na ha?! (to my cousin) itong bastos na batang to! siguro pag tanda ko pababayaan mo rin ako..dun ka na nga sa california sa kapatid mo..dun ka na mag aral.." something like that....sh*t!!! the only reason it all started was that i just want to sleep on a sunday morning and it all became big..i dunno..i don't understand him..so up to now we don't talk..it hurts to hear those phrases that maybe he doesn't mean to say..but man! think first before you speak..
he's not even like that when he's still in manila..well,maybe i changed too..? i dunno..there's a lot more things pa but i'll stop here..at least, i let go some of my anger..
it's hard..so damn hard..
i still believe everything happens for a reason.. | 
